you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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