Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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