i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
