Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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