Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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