Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
