Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
