totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Randomize
