Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
