if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
