If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
