I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
