my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
