i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
