Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
