the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
