Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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