After last night, I could never be a politician.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
