I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
