dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
