I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
