his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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