his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
