is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Congratulations! We have a period
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
