I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
