I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
