What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
