see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
