You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
