jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
