I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
