so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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