he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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