That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I am one with the molecules
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
