...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
