i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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