I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
