he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Sorry my hands just texted you
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
