I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you traded sex for a burrito?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
