a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
