Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
