You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
