Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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