dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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