I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
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I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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