You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
