dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
