Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
