Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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