I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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