Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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