and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
