Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
