How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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