im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
