omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
